Years later, I still remember that ‘Fuck it!’ moment when I stopped thinking and jumped. I was high up on a building, looking down at a ledge 10 feet below. And there was a passage leading from the ledge into the bowels of the building. I wanted to explore this passage but first I’d need to jump onto that ledge. And once down, there was no way back up. I should have stopped to weigh my options. I should have realised this wasn’t worth the risk. But my teenage brain didn’t want to think so much. It felt right, so why not throw the dice? Fuck it. Let’s jump!
I remember that moment vividly because it’s given me a great story to tell. I jumped down and so did my friend. We explored the passage. He fell through the roof but survived. We covered it up. Our parents found out. We lost their trust.
Usual 9th-grade stuff.
But I also remember that moment because I’ve felt that ‘Fuck it’ feeling as an adult, too. When a choice ‘feels so right,’ when I say ‘yes’ to the universe, when I ‘following my bliss.’ I’ve learned to use these phrases to class-up the thought, but it comes down to the same thing. An impulsive decision made by restless mind. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀
I wonder what I’d do on that rooftop, now … as an adult. I’d like to think I’d let the ledge be, chill on the roof, and take in the astonishing view instead.
I’d like to think I would. But I wonder.